Fate I can't make sense of

I'm missing Riley terribly. I often question religions, fate and things of this nature. If I could have any supernatural ability on this Earth, it would be the capability of knowing who to trust and to what extent I could trust them. Why can't I have the simple gift of knowing that she's okay and that I'll see her again someday? Is it too much to ask? It would bring so much comfort to me. I sit alone tonight perching on yet another balcony, overlooking the active downtown area of Winston-Salem. I watch in hopes to find answers. Answers to why humanity is so insecure and quick to segregate themselves from one another. You obviously feel most relaxed and have the most enjoyment from being amongst the congregation of others. Man is so quick to judge others as the others in turn judge him. Racial, cultural, social and economical divides, shred freedoms and camaraderies that you should be rejoicing in and benefiting from. I look for reasons for the fate that I've endured thus far. I can't make sense of it and the more disappointment I find in mankind, the more angry and hostile I feel inside. In the past I have tried so hard to be a fellow citizen and to participate and contribute to society, but now I can't help but feel distanced from people. I feel so much contempt for what happened on that airstrip. This contempt and rage is fueled ever-stronger each day. Derek sometimes speaks of revolt and the undoing of those who hold the keys to man's cages. I pass these thoughts off as nonsense or symptoms of trauma, but maybe he's right. Maybe vengeance is my only chance at peace. I sometimes look at the mighty Phoenix that was engraved into me and I remember the pride and dignity that my people indoctrinated in me. I feel like I have lost my way and that I am no longer a part of the beliefs instilled in me.